May 3, 2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

On Friendships:

Sometimes, well, let's be honest... a good chunk of the time, I love spending time with little 'ol me. I will shamelessly slip on headphones with no music to avoid getting sucked away during my lunch break. Or will pretend not to see a text or e-mail so that I can sip hot cocoa and read instead. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others. And its not all the time. But life is crazy, hectic, and beautiful all wrapped into one and sometimes, my mind just needs to rest.

And perhaps what really scares me is groups of people. I struggle to know when a pause will come in the conversation to share, and I fear cutting people off. I try to limit what I share about myself, then run out of questions to ask others. How do you get to that balance? I worry that I come off as silly, stupid, too sarcastic and BORING. And this preoccupation with caring what others think leads me to forget what I'm saying mid-sentence, leave things unfinished, and I go back to wanting to cuddle up on the couch and hide!

Sometimes I like to make up a diagnosis for these actions: serial friendshipist. For as long as I can remember, I have one great friend. These friendships go great, but then I tend to isolate all my other friends (and other people) in the mix, till I've exhausted that friendship. Growing up, my Mom always insisted that I have a group of friends, instead of just one great friend. Maybe I just like to rebel. But truthfully, I struggle with being too critical of others. I let the silliest and most simple things bother me and read into everything.  But I'm trying and I know that I can be a good friend. That's what encourages me to take off those headphone and answers those e-mails. Even if its not every day, I hope in time to find balance.

This post is part of series lead by Ez of Creature Comforts and Jess Constable's article on Things I'm Afraid to Tell You. Through this series, we hope to encourage the blogging community to share the personal things that are really on their minds.


allenaim photography and design said...

I struggle to know when a pause will come in the conversation to share, and I fear cutting people off. I try to limit what I share about myself, then run out of questions to ask others.

YES -- and so worried about my role in the conversation that I don't actually pay ATTENTION to the other person thus leading to weird conversation.

kjoy said...

Thanks for being so brave Amber. I realy enjoyed this post. For the record I want you to know that I think your a great friend. It's so obviouse that you genuinely care about people. Your truly kind hearted and I have really enjoyed getting to know you.

Here's a little secret of my own.....sometimes I put on headphones on lunch even when I'm not listening to anything too :) I don't think creating a little peace in the midst of a busy day is so bad.

Carol said...
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Amber Lavoie said...

Thank you all SO much your kind and encouraging words! It's so nice to be able to share things like this with you all! Keep your eye out for more posts like this soon! xo Amber

Natalie - Hazel and Agnes said...

Um, hi. Are we the same person? Because I do the exact same thing with friends - "exhausting" them is a great way to describe it.
Thanks for posting this!

Eat My Scabs said...

This is such a great thing. I write a little blog and everytime I hit that publish button my heart does a flip. It's hard to share things that are raw and real. It's scary. But I've found that by sharing some of my vulnerability I'm not alone. I have a fantastic group of online friends and we all share a similar vulnerability.

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